Wyzwanie 10 lat – między rakiem a życiem

Znacie wyzwanie 10 lat, tak popularne teraz zwłaszcza na Instagramie? Oj, ile przez te 10 lat się zmieniło! U mnie 2009 rok był dosłownie w poprzednim życiu…

Styczeń 2009

Jestem w klasie maturalnej. Po lekcjach biegam na zajęcia fitness i tańce, kilka godzin dziennie. Późnymi wieczorami uczę się, ale nie do matury. W weekendy na godzinę 8 rano jeżdżę na kurs instruktorski – mam zostać trenerem fitness. Zbliżają się ferie zimowe, w czasie których prawie nie wychodzę z siłowni. Wszystkie pieniądze, jakie  może mieć nastolatka, wydaję na warsztaty salsy, chodzę na jazz, hip hop i staram się robić wszystko, co można robić w niewielkim mieście. Niedługo potem zdam egzamin na instruktora i zacznę doszkalać się na weekendowych szkoleniach ze stepu, ćwiczeń z piłkami, rozciągania… Wiosną będę musiała przerywać szkolenia przez problemy z oddychaniem, brak sił. Potem zdam maturę, dostanę się na studia w Warszawie i zacznę pracować w lato w nadmorskiej dziurze. Wyjadę do Warszawy, umówię się na wiele castingów na instruktora fitness, na audycje do zespołów tanecznych. No i wtedy to życie się skończy.

Pod koniec 2009 roku dowiem się, że mam nowotwór złośliwy w zaawansowanym stadium. Plan na życie przestanie istnieć. I w sumie z perspektywy 10 lat, nigdy już żaden plan na życie nie powstanie… 

wyzwanie 10 lat

10 lat później – styczeń 2019

Pracuję. Skończyłam 4 kierunki studiów. Skończyłam dodatkowe kursy instruktorskie, choć mimo dobrze płatnej pracy, zrezygnowałam z niej. Przetańczyłam bardzo dużo godzin, choć miałam nie tańczyć. Teraz mam przerwę, kolano się zrasta i goi po kontuzji z 30 grudnia. Ani zawodowo, ani hobbystycznie nie zajmuję się tym, czym miałam się zajmować w życiu robiąc plan w 2009 roku. Nie jestem psychoterapeutą tańca, udało mi się dostrzec w tym wszystko to, w co nie wierzę i co nie ma według mnie prawa się sprzedać (nie mówię, że nie może pomóc). Taniec to nadal w moim życiu numer jeden, wiem, że i taniec, i ruch w ogóle są w stanie zmienić życie, ocalić, choć na chłodno już biorę wszystko to, czego nie udało mi się w tych dziedzinach zrobić. Już NIE MUSZĘ. Nic nie muszę i to najlepsza konsekwencja 2009 roku. Ostatnio nie muszę też tańczyć i to duża wolność. Taniec kocham, chcę to robić, ale nie muszę, nie muszę podcinać sobie żył i skakać z wieżowca, kiedy nie mogę tańczyć. 

2009 rok był straszny. Pociągnął za sobą wiele innych strasznych wydarzeń. Konsekwencje zdrowotne zastosowanego wtedy leczenia, zawarte wtedy przyjaźnie, o których ciężko mówić czy przetrwały, bo przetrwałam tylko ja… Dużo śmierci wokół, dużo żalu. Całe te 10 lat, całe to pomiędzy, było oj… oj jakie ciężkie. Na wielu obszarach pozamiatałam, zgarnęłam wszystko, co było do zgarnięcia, a nawet więcej. Za mój największy sukces uważam, że nikt, kto nie wie o chorobie, nigdy nie wpadnie na to, że coś mogło być kiedyś nie tak, że mogłam przejść coś strasznego. Ale nie wszystko udało się ogarnąć, nie ze wszystkiego wyszłam bez szwanku. Rozwalenie planu na życie, nie jeden raz, a kilka razy, śmierć bliskich osób, uwikłanie w masakrycznie trudną relację z facetem w międzyczasie – oto jestem ja, bez planu na jutro, na przyszły tydzień, miesiąc, rok, życie… Nieangażująca się w relacje, uprzedzająca ludzi, że jeśli mnie lubią, to muszą się z tym lubieniem spieszyć, bo mało prawdopodobne jest, że za 2 lata będziemy mieć kontakt. Jeśli chcą ze mną rozmawiać, spędzać czas, to muszą to robić teraz, funkcja “później” u mnie nie działa. Czuję się oderwana od życia, miejsc, ludzi. Zawsze gotowa na zniknięcie, tak, żeby życie, miejsca i ludzie jak najmniej to odczuli. Unoszenie, dryfowanie, cząsteczka chaosu w chaosie, odbijająca się co jakiś czas o inne. Często rozbijająca pozorne porządki innych ludzi, po to, żeby zobaczyli, że budowanie życia na pozorach i ściemach to nie tylko głupota, ale też brak szacunku do tego, co się ma, jeszcze ma.

Po 10 latach jestem zdrowa, jestem szczęśliwa, ale też zmęczona. Nie ma możliwości, żeby nawet po tak długim czasie ciężkie przeżycia nie odbijały się na życiu tu i teraz. Z perspektywy 10 lat cieszę się, oh bardzo się cieszę, że to się tak wydarzyło, tak potoczyło i mi samej wyczyściło z głowy cały bullshit, który widzę u innych ludzi, mających w miarę stabilne życie i przeżycia. Ten ruch w 2009 roku, ten fitness, taniec, skupienie na moim celu, to najlepsze, co mogło mi się wtedy przed chorobą przydarzyć. To cierpliwość, wytrwałość, znoszenie bólu w imię czegoś i marzenia, dużo marzeń, taki szybki kurs radzenia sobie z wszystkim tym, co czekało na mnie wtedy za rogiem.

Widzę beztroskie zdjęcia z #10yearschallenge. Ale każdy ma troski. Każde są tak samo ważne. Niektóre w porównaniu z innymi mogą wypadać blado, ale czy chcemy porównywać, ważyć na szali cierpienia? Ja nie chcę. 10 lat temu byliśmy głupsi o 10 lat przeżyć. I jakie by te 10 lat nie było, to jednak było. A to nie jest oczywiste. 10 lat temu oprócz mnie, 705 osób w Polsce dowiedziało się, że ma tę samą chorobę. 189 osób w kolejnym roku na tę chorobę umarło. 705 osób w 2009 roku przeżyło dzień, który zmienił wszystko na zawsze. Wieczór, w którym życie toczy się normalnie, wszystko jest na swoim miejscu, ale już jutro wejdzie się za róg, jutro zobaczy się w lustrze guza nad obojczykiem, jutro pójdzie się na usg brzucha, bo coś po lewej stronie kłuje, jutro, jutro wszystko się zmieni. Nie da się przewidzieć tego, że to jutro, zdarzy się właśnie jutro. Nie trzeba się tego bać, strach nic nie zmieni. Ale żyć, trzeba żyć, bo jak mówił ks. Kaczkowski, jest dużo później, niż nam się wydaje. 

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    Intended for millions, this is the way to receive high. Some grind this and roll it up using papers which is much less dangerous than regular
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    The future is here. And for cannabis users, it
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    in the cartridge which often uses the same methodology.
    A number of brands even let end users grind flowers so it works extremely well in the
    heating chamber that heats up without burning it.

    This specific activates the main ingredient without damaging the device.
    It is a nerdy way of using herb. Comprehending this technology, which is not complicated
    by the way, for utilization with marijuana was not for it in the first place.
    The normal way of using cannabis features seen a change and with vape pens, its set to
    proceed towards even the most unorthodox ways.

    Conventional Joints

    For millions, this is the way to find high. Some grind
    it and roll it up applying papers which is much less
    hazardous than regular cigarettes. Making use of vapes or
    joints is compared to asking someone if they choose automatic
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    The actual perks of rolled bones are they doesn’t exhaust till
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    unavoidable.

    There are a variety of reasons for reduce weight gain weight when they are trying to using tobacco.
    For many individuals, it’s a natural response to the cravings of cigarette smoking withdrawal.
    Due to these desires, they substitute food to get smoking which,
    of course , enhances the number of calories taken in. Furthermore, one of the
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  61. Men and women stop smoking cigarettes, one of their particular main concerns is the chance that they
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    There are a variety of reasons for people to gain weight when they are trying to cigarettes.
    For many individuals, it’s a natural reaction to the cravings
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    At the same time, people coming away from a long-term cigarette behavior don’t
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    Starting an exercise program is tough plenty of for anyone but for ex-smokers the particular
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